Original Writing

How to drive your husband crazy…(in love)

Are you clutching on to the last golden hours of your honeymoon period? Have you ever wondered if you’ll ever make it to your ruby anniversary without seriously maiming your spouse? Celebrating 4.5 years of married life means I’m obviously an expert at making this marriage malarkey work so here’s some advice.

DISCLAIMER: Like a bad luck chain-email circa 2000, if you don’t do exactly what I tell you, you will not get the results you expect. Just sayin’.

Make your presence felt. At. All. Times.

It is absolutely vital your husband remembers you’re a part of his life and not a piece of furniture.

Leave random personal items lying around the house. Feel free to experiment with this until you find the strategies that really get his attention. For some, it means leaving strands of hair in an ‘I LOVE YOU’ squiggle on the bathroom wall, others might set up a DIY washing line that obstructs every space he needs access to. My personal fave: taking off my jewellery/accessory/hair-pins and leaving them on the sofa, preferably where he sits. This one’s a double whammy, you can hog his attention for the next 3 days asking, ‘Babe, have you seen my thingamabobby?’

Instead of nagging, ask questions.

It doesn’t matter that you have 3 degrees, you’re still dumb AF. Okay then, what’s the offside rule? See?

When watching a series or movie, be sure to pepper viewing time with carefully timed questions, ‘Oh my god, what’s going to happen now?’, scream at the screen: ‘WHAT ARE YOU DOING?’, and my go-to: ‘What did they say? I missed it.’ There is nothing a guy likes more than to press pause and re-explain what you obviously didn’t understand. Never let him forget that he is the brains in this marriage.

Provide him with ample opportunity to serve you.

Scientists and historians (basically, other men) tell us men are hunter-gatherers, the doer-ooers.

Appeal to his innate instinct to protect you: incessantly whine about how hungry you are, mope around the house, occasionally drape yourself across the sofa/bed/dining table like Fuseli’s ‘The Nightmare’, ensure you are right next to him when your belly growls, repeatedly open and close the fridge to emphasise how there’s literally nothing to eat in this bloody house! The hunter-gatherer will deliver.

Compliment his cooking profusely so he responds faster next time and you don’t die of starvation.

Be one of the guys.

DO NOT embarrass him in front of his friends and family with overly romantic and soppy declarations like ‘Happy 4.5 year anniversary, honey!’. For god’s sake woman, think of his street cred.

Banter keeps a marriage fresh. Who wants to hear nice things about themselves aaaalll the time? Exactly, no one. Never pass up a chance to make fun of his balding head and baby-elephant belly. Remember, social media platforms (and blogs) are the perfect place to test your sarcasm and one-liners. That way EVERYONE knows what a cool wife you are.

If all else fails, cry like a dying pig.

Treat every day like your period is due. Weep relentlessly. This is a fail-proof combination of points 1 to 4. How you ask? Observe:

If he tries ignoring you, just wail louder, smash a few dishes, and lock yourself in the bathroom until he’s about to wee himself. Now that you have his attention, bombard him with questions like, ‘Do you still love me?’ and, ‘Why did you call me ‘fat’ that one day, 2 years ago?’. That’ll awaken his instinct to rescue you from whatever godforsaken hormone is triggering you. 9 times out of 10, you’ll be having this meltdown away from the prying eyes of friends and family, so feel free to avoid banter – be as romantic as you want while you patch up.

Et voila. Have a happy married life.

P.s. You’re freakin’ welcome.

7 thoughts on “How to drive your husband crazy…(in love)”

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